intrusivethot | IC Inbox

whoa, I didn't know I was talking to an astronaut. thought you had to be done growing to get cleared? something about your spine messing up otherwise? idk

aw, we must not've been THAT close if getting me back for xmas apparently didn't rate.

[ Failed joke has failed, but Ren will soldier on from this grievous misstep. He definitely hasn't interacted with Hunk beyond shooting off a quick rating on the latest network audience participation game. ]

so what did you get?

Bold of you to assume I was cleared.

[The blue lion certainly hadn't stopped to ask for certifications before it took them all.]

I'm not sure I would've called us friends, but we did break into a police station together.

[Which probably sounds worse in the grand scheme of things, but there's no point in lying about it.]

I got a great lamp!

[Here, Ren. Have a photo of the aforementioned lamp.]

wow, what a rebel. I'm swooning. no wonder I invited you to go breaking & entering with me.

oh nice. always like a bit of moonlight. mood light? both? both.

you didn't expect any gifts though - don't have a lot of close friends here?

Edited 2020-01-17 07:30 (UTC)

That's not the effect I usually have on people. But see. We're tighter than you thought.

Both is good. The picture doesn't do it justice.

It's more that I didn't particularly feel like celebrating.

yeah you seem more the super smart lil sis type, so enjoy it while it lasts. I was a fool to doubt our brotastic status.

so anyone who you show it to will be getting a full moon.

don't celebrate xmas in space normally? I mean I guess it can be whatever time of the year you want up there.

but I sorta get it. possibly. or for me it's too different without my friends from home, except ann.

That's what a girl loves to hear.

[Though, aside from a couple of specific exceptions, it doesn't bother her as much as some might assume.]

Something like that.

I dunno. I celebrated my 16th birthday in space, so I suppose Christmas isn't that much of a stretch. But really it's just being back here that kind of soured the mood. I spent last Christmas here too, but that was different.

[She'd had Ren to celebrate with, then. And she'd spent part of the day this year with Hunk, but it's not the same.]

It's just Hunk and I here, and he's been here longer than I have. He has other friends.

[Other people he likes being around more than her, no doubt.]

My username was almost smoothcriminal but I thought I shouldn't be so obvious.

[ The coffee appears to have kicked in by now, judging by the appearance of more proper grammar in Ren's messages. As it turns out it couldn't have been a moment too soon - not that Ren hadn't been paying due attention to his inbox but the direction the conversation is beginning to take stirs a familiar sense within him. An anticipation of knowing something that he didn't before, a deepening that doesn't mean much now but contributes nonetheless, almost so much so that he half expects to hear Lavenza's voice twinkling in the space in his head that it usually did.

The prickle across the back of his neck settles while he frowns faintly at the screen, aiming for consideration in his reply. ]

You know, this is the second time in one year that I've been dragged somewhere that's not home and been forced to try and fit in, with no one that I know. (Besides Ann this time, but that's beside the point.) I wasn't thrilled about the first time, and when I think about it the Christmas that I spent there was so 1:1 with another huge, terrible mess I had to wade into to protect my friends that I didn't enjoy it like I should have, but it still wasn't half as bad as the ones I spent with my parents.

I'm not saying screw your friends that aren't here or anything. But things do get better if you can find people you trust.

And I don't know Hunk but if he's your friend then you can talk to him. You sure sound like you're saying "he has other people he'd rather hang out with" but you'd be surprised how often that kind of thinking is effective at misleading yourself.

[ Therapist Ren is done making his stab in the dark. Textually smack him upside the head if he's overstepped his boundaries, but he hopes his earnestness at least comes through. ]

[ A minute or two later another message comes. ]

Want me to come over?

I dunno. You could've been going for an old music reference.

[It'd be more imaginative than some usernames she'd seen, at any rate. And she can't help feeling slightly pleased at the sudden influx of proper grammar. It's not even that she's worried about it so much as that it's just habit to type pretty close to the way she speaks. She'd probably have to be stupid levels of sleep-deprived to take the lazy way out.]

This is the second time I've found myself back here, so I know how it feels, at least. The silver lining, if you can even call it that, is that I'm one of the "lucky" ones.

[She absolutely wouldn't call it that, but that's neither here nor there.]

The first time, almost all of our other friends were here. But they lucked out and ended up sticking together, so it was fine.

[She'd been the odd one out, but that wasn't anything new.]

I'm sorry the ones with your parents weren't as good.

Oh no, don't worry. I'm glad everyone else is at home. I wouldn't wish this place on anyone.

He's probably my best friend. And yea, I know I can talk to him, but I don't want him to feel like he has to listen to my complaints. I wouldn't blame him for having people he'd rather hang out with. I'm not always the easiest person to deal with.

[A lot of that is intentional on her part because it's easier to keep people at a distance if they'd rather not hang around in the first place. But she can also, admittedly, be kind of hard to get along with.

There's a pretty noticeable pause between that last message and the next, mostly because she's trying to decide how to respond.]

I'm not against the idea of you coming over.

[ Alright missy. Miss Pidge. Mademoiselle Gunderson. If there's one thing that gets right on Ren's nonexistent tits it is someone being so convinced of their worthlessness that they put themselves dead last. One, that's depressing. Two, that's Ren's job (putting others before him, not thinking others are worthless. Or himself. He rules and knows it) and he isn't looking for an understudy. It's an old and familiar ire that sparks in him and the only response Pidge gets is a curt Noted. before some minutes later Pidge's door is being unceremoniously beat down and Ren closes it behind him.

Underneath his arm is a box stuffed with some odd kitchenware, as well as a container of dark, sifting material and the scent of determination floating about him like a really handsome, positively angelic aura. He first places the box on her kitchen counter and then, in a sudden fit of manners like the eye of a well-meaning storm, Ren spins on his heel to face her and bows deeply, years of social gatherings with overly formal, distant family serving him well now. ]

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

[ - and returns to unpacking his pour-over coffee setup. Still deadpan as ever. ]

So anyway, that's bullshit. Anyone that can be called someone's best friend definitely has time for you and your concerns - not complaints. I'd bet money that you haven't asked him whether he thinks you're more trouble than you're worth.

And for the record, no, you're not.

[That last message seems pretty final and, when there aren't any following it, Pidge is willing to take that at face value. She meant what she'd said before, which is honestly more than most people would get. But for whatever reason, talking to Ren just seems easy, even just over text. Maybe that had more to do with it than she wants to admit. For now, though, she just doesn't feel like analyzing it.

So when he comes charging in a few minutes later, Pidge is considerably surprised. She's sprawled out on her sofa initially but startles and jumps up when he comes in. But it's the box that really gets her attention. Not sure what else to do, Pidge follows him into the kitchen - and stops abruptly when he turns and bows.]

What-

[And her knowledge of the language is woefully insufficient, so she waits a beat to see if he feels like translating. When he instead turns back to his box without further comment, Pidge shrugs it off for now and moves to lean on the counter so she can watch what he's doing.]

Do you tell your best friend everything?

[Okay, that's probably a bit unfair. But she's doubting it.]

At this point, I have more complaints than concerns. You've been here long enough to have a pretty good idea of how things are. [Not that she's the only one stuck here dealing with things, but still...]

But no. I haven't asked him that in so many words. What kind of conversation would that be, anyway?

[She can't help it. That last bit makes her smile.]

You don't know all that much about me, but it's still nice to hear.

[ Uh, rude? Wow they were talking about you not him. This is biphobia. ]

My best friends helped me get out of jail; think there's anything I'd keep from them?

[ (He absolutely has kept his mouth shut about a lot of trauma because it wasn't the time, because he hadn't known how to begin to process it, because because because. He has good reasons for dabbling in hypocrisy. Pidge's problem is a lot broader, a problem he can take a sledgehammer to rather than scalpel his myriad lingering loose threads.)

Equipment unboxed, Ren seamlessly switches to filling a temperature-controlled kettle with water and setting it to boil, glancing back to Pidge with no discernable change in his demeanor. ]

A necessary one. I don't need to know either of you well to see that you're assuming you know how your friend feels.

[ Quit that. It leads nowhere good okay. ]

[Does it count as biphobia if she's also bi? Hmm.]

Nice. What'd you do? And I feel like once someone has had to bail you out of jail, they've probably earned the right to the full story.

[It's absolutely none of her business, but if he's bringing it up, she's going to assume he doesn't mind talking about it. And sure, there are probably a handful of things she could be talking to Hunk about, but old habits die hard and she's more likely to default to bottling things up than not.

She can't claim to know how anyone feels, though, and it's never really been something she's been worried about until fairly recently. And maybe she's just slightly afraid to find out how Hunk feels about her, specifically. Either way, it's simpler to not bring it up.]

Maybe you're right. Now doesn't seem like the best time to pull the 'do you like me?' card, though.

[ fshfhfshfhshfff well there's no point in hiding it. Don't say he never shared anything about himself, even if he does shove his hands into his pockets and deliver it in as dull a tone of voice as is humanly possible. ]

I didn't assault what turned out to be a stupid-powerful politician but he made the woman I was trying to save say so and I got convicted and shipped to Tokyo where I spent the next nine months stealing the hearts of the corrupt as a phantom thief but we were betrayed from within and after saving the world I took the fall for my phantom thief friends cuz I'm a nice guy like that.

[ Woo, sordid backstory unlocked. Congrats.

He goes into motion again, flipping the brim up and out of the box and catching it again with a magician's showmanship, eyebrows arched with something like playfulness while he affixes it to the pot itself. To Ren self-care is making good coffee and petting his cat, so while he doesn't have one to offer Pidge he'll make do with the other, a gentleness returned to his words while he works. ]

All right, we're - we're talking about two different things. In general I would say that if you're feeling insecure about where you stand with someone, you should talk. Invite them out. Go somewhere you don't usually go so that you're not tricking yourself into complacency.

[ Too afraid to speak? Then there's no way Pidge will decide she feels at ease on the subject. On the romantic front, however... ]

So why not pull that card? What is it about now versus later? Obviously I don't know what's going on in your life that's stopping you, but from personal experience...

don't wait til he's gone.

[ Ren is very interested in scooping the coffee grounds into the filter. ]

[That is certainly a lot of information in a short amount of time. By the time he finishes speaking, she's just kind of standing there, staring up at him. It's not often that someone is able to render her speechless, so he should be proud of himself.

She does eventually find her voice.]

Oh uh. I was just asking about what you did to almost get thrown in jail. That other stuff sounds like a lot, though.

[It's honestly more impressive that he's able to admit all of this in such a non-committal way. Pidge can't even claim that she'd be able to do the same, if the situation was reversed.

If nothing else, he's clearly used to putting on a show. It almost reminds her a bit of Lance, though Ren is generally easier to be around. It's pretty obvious what he's doing by this point, though it seems like a roundabout way of making coffee.]

Look... I know you're probably right about all of that, but it's not as simple as you think. It's hard to do any of those things with people who aren't here.

[She's not generally the type to worry much about what people think of her, but spending roughly a year with the same group of people, nearly dying on numerous occasions has a way of changing that.

Pidge is considering pointing that out when he speaks up again, and she finds herself staring because wow that sure is some leap to make from 'hey I'm not sure how my friends would feel about me if they all realized I'm a fraud'.]

Say you're right about that, too. Say I do pull that card. What am I supposed to do when the city inevitably does something to him, or if I wake up one day and he's just gone?

[It wouldn't be the first time. It doesn't matter, though, because she's fairly certain she knows how that conversation would go. So there's really no need to even humor it.]

It all builds on itself, probably.

[ Every once in a while Ren manages to remind himself why he keeps his mouth shut most of the time. Today
is one of those days.

Because he may have just also spent most of the last year with the same tight knit group of people and nearly died with them a number of times, but it visibly seems to occur to Ren that he's gone into Leader Mode and tried to solve a near stranger's problems without having the details. Broad strokes he can help with, but presuming a certain amount of information is a recipe for disaster. ]

Hey - I guess it's obvious I really want to help but clearly I don't know what I'm talking about?

[ How the city alone works is a mystery to him - how people arrive, why they disappear, how frequently that happens. Why she'd believe that what she had to say would ruin things. He's assuming it's romantic in nature because that's the vibe he's picking up, but what's he missing?

The soft click behind him announces the end of the boiling cycle, prompting Ren to turn and pick up the kettle and begin the slow pour over the grounds. ]

I'm probably not getting what it is that's not the "I like you" card, so my bad. I should clearly have shut up and made the damn coffee, right?

[ Call him a doofus and release him from this hellish plane of his own making pls. ]

Maybe.

[She can't really make that kind of judgement without knowing more about the situation, and all she has to go on is what he's told her. But it does seem like the kind of thing that would just compound on itself.

It's probably the abrupt change of tone that stands out the most to her. His advice, while not necessarily something she'd been after initially, made a lot of sense. If nothing else, it's obvious that he's used to being a person that others could go to when they're in need of some degree of help.]

I appreciate it.

[Even if he doesn't know the full story. There's the option of filling him in, but that would take a fair amount of time and she's not entirely sure she feels up to getting into it right now.

The kettle's intervention is almost comically convenient, but she can't feel too badly about it.]

It's... complicated. And if I'd wanted you to shut up, I would've told you to.

[ Ren shrugs loosely; the facts of his story have been told so many times that it barely phases him to reel it off for the uninitiated, thick skin grown over scar tissue. Moreover by now you'd think that someone who'd apparently gone through a lot would feel somewhat strongly about it, but without further inquiry Ren seems indifferent on the subject of himself.

Usually if someone offers unsolicited advice there'd be more pushback, and his sheepishness is blunted with curiosity at why Pidge isn't doing exactly that. Telling him to shut up, that is - no one likes a talkative barista, and now Ren is caught between his powerful instinct to help and his powerful idiocy. What's it like being a normal person, he wonders. ]

...Thanks. [ Blink. ] I guess in my experience "complicated" usually means something's liable to be regretted at some point. And I'd hate for that to happen to you.

[ Can he offer you a freshly poured cup of black coffee in this trying time? ]

[It's tempting to ask for more, because she's genuinely curious, but she also doesn't want to dig up more unpleasantness if she can avoid it. This city will do enough of that on its own.

Normally, she'd be a little more inclined to tell him where he could shove that advice. But she's feeling uncharacteristically charitable today... and she doesn't really have anyone else here she can talk to about this kind of thing, so she's trying to be a little careful. Which honestly isn't as difficult as she might've thought it would be since he apparently gives really solid advice.]

In this case, "complicated" means... I've been friends with someone for a while, and I kind of wish I didn't like him as much as I did, because the odds of him feeling the same way are probably close to zero. And I don't want to screw up an almost perfect friendship.

[That's certainly... some type of logic.]

[ Oh, she can ask. Ren can't guarantee that anything will change, or that an answer will surface from the city's malicious workings first before he bites that bullet. Ren is more a... receptacle? Of people's problems than one that unburdens. Like the receiving end of a garbage chute. A very caring one. ]

Oof.

[ There's a minor shudder that runs through Ren, more a sympathetic vibration than not for reasons Pidge will soon know. This part he doesn't mind digging up. Misery loves company, right? At the very least he can give her reason not to think he's asking for no reason. He does dawdle briefly, scratching the back of his neck for the length of a soft exhale. ]

That's rough. And I get it? As in, the same thing snuck up on me and it's amazing and kinda sucks an incredible amount of ass simultaneously.

[ Filtering done, Ren expertly pours each of them a cup and slides Pidge's over in solidarity. He feels less awkward now that he isn't making stabs in the dark anymore, though what Pidge does or doesn't take away from his side of things is up to her. ]

Like, when I think back on it the worst part is not knowing. You start gettin' all paranoid and miserable, you know? I did, anyway. And from what I learned, if your friendship really is almost perfect then it's strong enough to survive telling them how you feel, even if they don't return your feelings.

[ He doesn't much look like the type that'd get turned down but it happens. Sometimes the world is ending on a more literal level and it puts a rejection into perspective, heh. ]

Yea.

[Maybe she'll wait a bit on digging for more. If the situation was reversed, she probably wouldn't someone she'd practically just met trying to drag up past trauma. Then again, here she is voluntarily sharing something just as personal...

She's still debating when he speaks up again, so instead, she just goes quiet to wait.] It sucks that you get it. I'm sorry. But yea, that's a pretty amazing way of putting it.

[The approaching cup makes her smile, and Pidge reaches out to take it while she waits for him to continue. She's tempted to ask about that too, but she's also trying not to bug him with too many questions.]

I can't decide if not knowing is worse than knowing would be. [There's no way Hunk would want her when he could be with literally anyone else, right? And yet she's not entirely convinced that's true. Either way, she's starting to get tired of keeping it to herself.]

I don't know. I just don't want him to think of me differently if he doesn't feel the same. It's dumb, right?

[ While kind, Ren has long come to terms with not being loved and adored by all of his acquaintances. He waves her off with a light heart. ]

Nah, don't worry about it. I know I'm amazing and so are my insights.[ /fingerguns

Joking aside, Ren isn't ignorant of the delicacy of the subject, just possibly his biases might do more harm than good if he laid it all out there. He worries. Worry is more often motivating for him than paralyzing, and he forgets that other people don't have his reckless bravery when he makes wild suggestions about pouring your heart out to your best friend, just because it turned out neutral-to-okay for him.

He doesn't know Pidge's friendships. Maybe over the long run he could make that bigger ask, but for now it's coffee and a bit of therapist couch, leaning forward onto his forearms. ]

Maybe a little dumb. A little. There's always a risk that something doesn't come out how you want it to, but I still think you can trust him with it.

I guess I'd ask what would be so bad about looking at you differently in that case? I don't think a close friend would try to distance themselves from you or throw it back in your face.

[ It's a world of difference between Ren standing before her and declaring his undying love and Pidge telling Hunk she has more-than-friends feelings for him. There's one guy to be a lot less certain of and the other to have every confidence that he'd treat her with the respect and love they'd built as friends over time. ]

Edited 2020-02-28 09:23 (UTC)

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